I had intended to write a post about how French Jews living in mid-sized town spend Yom Kippur. However, as I thought I might write a few things that would not throw a favorable light on some of the people who attended the services, I decided against it.
A post by In the Pink – where she writes beautifully about her sons being given aliyot on Simchat Torah while she was watching – and Raizy’s comment on the same post have prompted me to write about it but from a different perspective.
I had planned to go to Paris for Yom Kippur, stay with friends and go to shul with them. But circumstances decided otherwise and I davened in the shul of my tiny French community.
To understand what this means I need to explain that, on paper, French Judaism is 95% Orthodox. In fact, this is how it should be understood: 95% of French Jews attend Orthodox synagogues, which is completely different.
On the first evening I was a bit late arriving (on foot) at the synagogue but it didn’t really matter as the service had stopped due to a shortage of one man to have a minyan. Soon a young man arrived (by car); his father had contacted (phoned) him to tell him about the problem.
The next morning I had decided to spend as much time as possible in shul so I got there a little before half past nine. We had a minyan but only just which meant that the men could not live the synagogue until at least one more arrived. It also means that we spent all day counting and re-counting every time we reached a moment where a minyan is required.
At the end of the day, while we were enjoying a hot cup of coffee with food to break the fast, one of the men came to me and congratuated me for my “faithful attendance” and insisted that it couldn’t have been easy since there was only one other woman with me for most of the day and as we didn’t really count.
In the Pink post’s reminded me that we can’t be called for an alyah in an Orthodox synagogue and my Yom Kippur experience reminded me that I couldn’t be included in a minyan. Although I have read different things on the subject, I still can’t help thinking what a shame it is that women and girls can’t share in what takes place in the synagogue during services. I wish ways could be found to respect a tradition I respect and love without excluding half of the congregation.
Update: You can read more on the subject at SuperRaizy, Isramom , Nad-ned Nad-ned, Mom in Israel and Adena.
13 Comments
October 23, 2008 at 5:41 pm
That’s very interesting, Ilana. Coming from the outside, I think it’s a shame that attention had to be diverted from the essence of Yom Kippur in order to ensure that a minyan was present. However, I am sure that someone somewhere would think that I had missed the point completely in relation to Orthodoxy…
I’m with you on this one!
Rachel
October 23, 2008 at 6:19 pm
I brought my daughter to the women’s tefillah group this year. It is an all women’s group, with Torah reading, but not a true minyan. I enjoyed having her watch all the women dance. We didn’t stay long because none of her friends were there.
She remarked the day before: “how come it’s all about men, men, men.” Directly after visit to the women’s tefillah group, she said, “why do you bring me to a group where I have to be separated from my abba.” One can’t win.
October 23, 2008 at 7:17 pm
Too depressing a subject to comment on. But the morning in my shul was better, as they shortened the hakafot.
October 23, 2008 at 8:07 pm
I find Simchat Torah to be a depressing holiday, and I’m glad it’s over. It’s a man’s holiday, no doubt about it. In the states, I got skilled at arriving just at the end. I mean I enjoy hanging around with my women friends and chatting, but do I need to do that in shul? I’ve tried a women’s tefillah group twice here in Modiin and just didn’t enjoy that either–it felt like we were all trying to hard.
I’m glad I don’t have to think about it for another year.
October 23, 2008 at 9:42 pm
i guess it all depends on how you look at it. (altho its hard to see only positive in watching the men dance while we stand around like lemons)
i dont know that i want to do all that men do, but sometimes, i would like to have as much fun in shul as they seem to have.
October 23, 2008 at 10:05 pm
Maybe it’s because I’m all fresh and new to the whole shebang, but these things don’t seem to bother me (even as a 20 something liberal and independent woman). I guess maybe I’ll check back in 10 years and see if I still feel the same way.
I guess, because I go to shul for my one-on-one with Gd in a group setting, I don’t see being left out as something that happens. As HadassahSabo says, I guess it’s all about how you look at it. I see them not as restrictions, but as pathways to how we’re meant to live. Maybe I’m a sucker for the system
Also: I guess I was lucky that the women danced around at the Chabad’s Simchat Torah festivities … we danced like maniacs and had a heckuva lot of fun doing it.
October 24, 2008 at 3:55 am
Ilana, I’m glad that you wrote about this.
I see that a lot of women feel this way. I agree with Baila, Simchat Torah is a man’s holiday. It is very hard to explain to young girls why they aren’t “important enough” to hold the Torah too.
October 24, 2008 at 8:23 am
Chaviva, that holds true for the rest of the year. But on Simchat Torah you are not davening, just watching. If you can see anything, that is.
October 24, 2008 at 8:49 am
There is no one sentence that sums up my feelings about women in shul. Different times in my life have elicited different reactions.
We women will never ‘have it all’ and remain Orthodox. But, there are ways we can feel a bit less ‘out-of-it’. At our shul we have made some inroads in this area (see: http://isramom.blogspot.com/2008/10/simchat-tora-review.html). I was more comfortable this year than ever before.
I also like what I have seen of women’s prayer groups, but the disadvantage of those are the separation from the greater (read: mixed)community.
The worst thing for me is hearing about women who would rather stay home.
October 24, 2008 at 2:15 pm
One more comment: I’ve actually found Simchat Torah easier now that I have boys. I enjoy watching them, and I get such great nachas from hearing them lein. My daughter is still young enough to dance with the men. When I was young and single, I really didn’t enjoy Simchat Torah, and it didn’t have to do with my being female (I went to more mixed crowds then, anyway–Orthodox where women dance; Conservadox where there may have been some mixed). I just don’t like the pressure of needing to socialize.
The need to have women’s prayers groups separate from the regular shul is a whole discussion in itself. I remember in the Boston area going to more than one synagogue where the women’s tefillah group was in the shul itself. But where I live now that is not allowed. After talking to my husband, I realized he had no idea women have a hard time with this holiday.
October 24, 2008 at 2:27 pm
I am glad to see that this post has generated discussions and even a new post on the subject by Risa.
October 24, 2008 at 2:33 pm
I also decided to post about this today:
http://superraizy.blogspot.com/2008/10/shadow-dancing.html
October 24, 2008 at 5:02 pm
I was just recently writing about my favorite holidays and growing up in a Reform synagogue, Simchat Torah was always my favorite. Even better than Purim for me. I am usually a lurker on MiI and on a few other Orthodox blogs and I appreciate the opportunity to listen in on your joys and struggles.
b’Shalom.